another year

Y'know, in the last post I said I didn't see myself downloading divine instructions. And yet, there are things in life that feel awfully like...exactly that. One of the verses this week was Matthew 2:13 - 

Als die Sterndeuter wieder gegangen waren, siehe, da erschien dem Josef im Traum ein Engel des Herrn und sagte: Steh auf, nimm das Kind und seine Mutter und flieh nach Ägypten; dort bleibe, bis ich dir etwas anderes auftrage... (Einheitsübersetzung 2016)

When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. ‘Get up,’ he said, ‘take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you...’ (NIV)

I didn't go exploring other translations here, but at least in these two, the English "...until I tell you" doesn't go quite as far the German "...until I tell you to do something else." And boy can I relate to that. For all the trials and tribulations of living in Switzerland, and as clear as it has become that leaving the US wasn't the brightest idea in any practical sense...I've never wished we hadn't moved. Would I say "God told me to do this"? No, but something told me to do this. And now... Here I am, God, hanging out in a foreign land. Awaiting further instructions. Which will come...when again? Surely Joseph and Mary must have wondered too, as they raised their kid away from home and the years stretched on.

I don't even know whether further instructions are coming; this might be permanent. I've lived here far longer than I've lived anywhere else, ever. The kids barely know anything different, and also they won't be kids for much longer, but in any case I can't imagine moving thousands of miles away from them. Also did I mention the retirement budgeting? But on the other hand, little things have been triggering me lately.

• A Christmas post from a high school classmate from California - a fellow nerd: she had the best grades in our class, I came in second - who is now living in the Seattle area, working as a technical writer for an ultrasound company, with one kid each in high school and college. Wait, wait! Wasn't that where *I* was heading??
• On Christmas morning we turned on the livestream of the Christmas Eve service at my brother's church and...I know the words to all those Christmas hymns! But I haven't sung them in...years now.
• A friend from here who is temporarily there posted a nighttime picture of 4th and Marion in Seattle today and it brought tears to my eyes. Chill, Susannah, it's an intersection.

People often ask me if I get homesick and I usually say no - to move "back" would be starting all over again, again, to find neighbors and friends and work and community and and and... But did I leave part of my heart in Seattle? Clearly, yes. 

This week, as I was praying as I always do for love and grace, I decided that love feels like being at home in the world (I belong here! I have something to contribute!) and grace feels like being at home in myself. And yes I know religious grace is supposed to have the sense of "gifts from God," but what I pray for is in fact grace in the ballet-dancer sense of the-opposite-of-awkwardness, because I have so desperately little of that.

On New Year's Eve our neighborhood and particularly the park next door turned in to a war zone of fireworks, as usual, only it felt worse than usual (maybe people had leftovers because 1. August was wet this year?) and I was a nervous wreck and so relieved when the church bells finally stopped their half-hour (!) of ringing and things started to calm down. And then on the morning of January 1 there was the tragic news of the club fire in Crans-Montana... So this doesn't feel like your cheery-toast kind of celebratory occasion. More of a...may we all keep it together this coming year. And if we fall apart, may we hold each other's pieces gently.

Speaking of fragility...Daniel and I took a mini-vacation to St. Gallen, and on a whim we took the funicular up the hill and suddenly found ourselves in a magical land of frost. Like a fairy tale. Without a doubt, part of my heart belongs to Switzerland too.