Today at the psychiatrist I had one of those moments where everything...almost...makes sense. The threads in my head seemed like they were going to come together somehow. They didn't, but still, maybe there's hope that someday they will?
The psychiatrist's working theory of me (I think) is that my issues stem from my fractured childhood and nomadic adulthood. All that moving around. Living in the uncertainty and powerlessness of Navy-brat- and trailing-spouse-hood. It's no wonder I have a hard time forming opinions.
My working theory of me is that the nomadic life was formative, but not exactly the source of my chronic indecision, or at least not in a bad way. I've just never experienced the moving around as traumatic. Apparently as a preschooler I played "pack out" - loading all my toys into my yellow Fisher-Price shopping cart and wheeling them around the room before "unpacking" them again. These days packing and unpacking can be stressful - especially when I'm doing it for three or four instead of just one - but it's still a fun game to think about where I'm going, what I'll need, how to fit it all in...and Daniel can attest to the fact that I'm obsessive about unpacking. There will be none of this "we moved six months ago and still have boxes we haven't opened" stuff at my house, ever. (The big problem I have these days is that for all my packing and unpacking prowess, "staying in one place" is a procedure I'm not at all clear on. A friend introduced me to the German verb nisten, which means nesting but refers to the process of clearing out old or unused things so your apartment can remain Swiss/German-level neat and tidy. Ours isn't. There's also ausmisten, which is mucking out a stall, and maybe more accurately describes what needs to be done here...I'm way behind. But partly that's because I've always done the clearing out as part of moving!)
What I think the moving around did do was give me a fundamentally different view of life, speaking very broadly, than people who've lived their whole lives in one or two places. Which is to say, most people, at least the people I encounter these days. They have deep roots and I have a wider view. One isn't better than the other, but it leads to a certain disconnect in conversation - I have trouble answering (what are supposed to be) easy questions about myself, and trouble relating to people who have strong preferences and opinions...because I did move around and I know there are multiple ways to do things and I can often picture the same subject from several angles.
Added to that, I think I'm just weird. I know I KNOW that *everybody* feels like they're different. And everybody *is* different and unique and special and yay! But, really, I think I'm off the bell curve somewhere and I wish I could describe where. Yesterday YouTube suggested a documentary on German TV about adults with autism/Asperger's, so I watched it. (Though...I'm not super sure why YouTube knew it was something I'd be interested in??) And what struck me was how all of the people featured in the documentary experienced their diagnosis as a relief. I can so relate to that. If, someday, I find a word for what is different about me, and, like, access to a support group of people with the same issue? I'll be so happy. In the meantime I exist in this constant state of reverse-lamplighting: you say I'm normal, but I feel like I'm constantly running into evidence that I'm not.
So issue 1 (being less certain about things than other people because I have a broad base rather than deep roots) + issue 2 (constantly questioning my own perception of reality) = sometimes kind of a mess. Aaaand it's 00:44 and I don't know where I was going with this so the threads aren't going to come together tonight either but if you have made it this far THANK YOU for sticking with me and good night!!
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