Mother's Day

Yesterday I was feeling pretty darn lazy after my big adventure on Saturday. Daniel and the kids made me a nice breakfast, and then I sang with my choir at the Mother's Day service in the old Protestant church in Albisrieden (one of my very favorite churches, it's small but beautiful and has fabulous acoustics).

Here we are - those of us who didn't have other Mother's Day commitments, at least - filling up about half the church and sounding great doing it (I hope!)

In case you missed it, here's this year's Saturday Night Live sketch for Mother's Day:

I had a lot of thoughts about this yesterday. They totally nailed the feeling of being overwhelmed, unprepared, and incompetent at parenting. And then...dropped the ball. Why is Emma Thompson's grandmother character lying??? Are we really supposed to think she doesn't remember how hard being a mom was? Are we supposed to believe this "we thought you were perfect" stuff? This all just screams internalized misogyny to me. Women's work is invisible and should remain invisible - and if at times it's crushing, just keep telling yourself that it's "little stuff" and trust that someday you'll look back on this and forget all the hard parts??? No no no no no!

Please!
Let's talk about how hard this is,
talk about what it means that it's unpaid work,
talk about the fact that when kids push you to the edge it can break you...
...AND it can force you to face your own demons and come out a stronger and a better person.

Let's talk about about how not having structures in place that allow men and women to share the parenting load means that many men don't "get" any of this - and by "get" I mean understand, but also receive the opportunity to mature and to grow in empathy and grace.

Set against this, the minister at church gave an unexpected sermon with a very different view of femininity, based on the story of Rizpah:

The Gibeonites Avenged (2 Samuel 21:1-14 )
     During the reign of David, there was a famine for three successive years; so David sought the face of the Lord. The Lord said, “It is on account of Saul and his blood-stained house; it is because he put the Gibeonites to death.”
     The king summoned the Gibeonites and spoke to them. (Now the Gibeonites were not a part of Israel but were survivors of the Amorites; the Israelites had sworn to spare them, but Saul in his zeal for Israel and Judah had tried to annihilate them.) David asked the Gibeonites, “What shall I do for you? How shall I make atonement so that you will bless the Lord’s inheritance?”
     The Gibeonites answered him, “We have no right to demand silver or gold from Saul or his family, nor do we have the right to put anyone in Israel to death.”
     “What do you want me to do for you?” David asked.
     They answered the king, “As for the man who destroyed us and plotted against us so that we have been decimated and have no place anywhere in Israel, let seven of his male descendants be given to us to be killed and their bodies exposed before the Lord at Gibeah of Saul—the Lord’s chosen one.”
     So the king said, “I will give them to you.”
     The king spared Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, because of the oath before the Lord between David and Jonathan son of Saul. But the king took Armoni and Mephibosheth, the two sons of Aiah’s daughter Rizpah, whom she had borne to Saul, together with the five sons of Saul’s daughter Merab, whom she had borne to Adriel son of Barzillai the Meholathite. He handed them over to the Gibeonites, who killed them and exposed their bodies on a hill before the Lord. All seven of them fell together; they were put to death during the first days of the harvest, just as the barley harvest was beginning.
     Rizpah daughter of Aiah took sackcloth and spread it out for herself on a rock. From the beginning of the harvest till the rain poured down from the heavens on the bodies, she did not let the birds touch them by day or the wild animals by night. When David was told what Aiah’s daughter Rizpah, Saul’s concubine, had done, he went and took the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan from the citizens of Jabesh Gilead. (They had stolen their bodies from the public square at Beth Shan, where the Philistines had hung them after they struck Saul down on Gilboa.) David brought the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan from there, and the bones of those who had been killed and exposed were gathered up.
     They buried the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan in the tomb of Saul’s father Kish, at Zela in Benjamin, and did everything the king commanded. After that, God answered prayer in behalf of the land.

Here King David is settling a blood feud by handing over Saul's descendants to be killed. And Rizpah, mother of two of the men killed, protests this act - not by demanding more blood but by fiercely guarding the bodies of her children and their cousins, day and night, for six months. It is only after David hears about her act of passive resistance and does his best to do right by the dead men and their families that God starts answering "prayer on behalf of the land."

Here's a nice article about this.

I guess what I want the grandma in the sketch to say is, "Yes, sweetheart, I remember how hard this was. I wanted to scream sometimes - I did scream sometimes. But I showed up for it every day, and you're showing up too, and it's the showing up that your kids will remember. You'll get through this. You're stronger than you think. And don't fall for that ridiculous idea that this "should be" easy and you "shouldn't need" help - for your kids' sake, model taking care of yourself. Starting right now with a shower and a nap. I'll take the helm for today. You've got poop in your hair."

Let us be fierce guardians of our children and our selves.