serenity

I've had a series of crises since getting here, twice with tears, and last night I told myself that I needed to fish or cut bait: I'd look through the test questions, see what I know, and decide whether to take the exams tomorrow.

It turns out that I know alarmingly little, and if I had one more day to study I think I could cram enough into my head to pass the test. But I don't have one more day to study.

Last night I dreamed that a colleague had a crisis, in public, right in the middle of an event at church. And he wanted to walk swiftly away and disappear and I went to him and hugged him tight and said no, don't run away, this is important. Stay here, face what you need to face, feel what you need to feel, I'm here with you, the people around will understand and if they don't they need to learn. I woke up with this very lovely, secure feeling of being-allowed-to-be-with, of being-strong, of being-brave-together. Although of course the person having the crisis is ME and the question is, can I hold myself together through it?

This morning I got up and watched the sunrise.

So somehow, for the moment, I've made my peace with it all. I didn't know anything at all to start, I've learned something, if it isn't enough I'll fail (have I ever in my life failed a test? This could be an important learning experience, ha) and I'll re-take the classes when they come around again in four years, if in four years that makes any sense.

And now back to class...

Sunrise in Schwarzenberg