1. Weihnachtstag

Merry Christmas?

I don't have any pictures of my kids joyfully opening their presents because I believe that some moments are best enjoyed without the threat of photography, but some joyful opening of presents did indeed happen this morning. Then we had a nice breakfast, hung around the house, had a nice lunch, took a little walk (all of us, that is, except The Amazing Caroline, who was super excited to go work in the stall for four hours(?!)), had a nice dinner, hung around some more, and had dessert. Christmas success. I won't be able to fit into my jeans after a few more days of this, but that's a problem for January.

After all the frenzied preparations and three services at church yesterday (my mousy performance was a success, by all accounts?), this feels like a letdown. In a good way - I'm looking forward to some more days of not doing much - but it seems like...well the story is that we wait in the dark and then the light enters the world and BIG PARTY! But it's more like December is a blur of this project and that special event and do I have gifts for everyone? and the stores are going to be closed for the 25th and 26th, do I have enough food in the house? and then we sing Silent Night Stille Nacht at church and then BIG NAP! Not judging, just observing.

I still feel tired and disconnected, and last night when I finally made it to Midnight-Mass-at-10:30 (in which I had no special role; The Amazing Caroline was an altar server) I had a minor crisis because I couldn't figure out where in the church to sit. Which is as ridiculous and petty as it sounds, particularly as I'm alone nearly every time I go to church, but there you go. It was a crisis of shoulds, I guess. After nearly nine years here I *should* know and like at least one person attending the Christmas service well enough that it would not be weird for me to go over and sit by them... After putting in my time at the two kids' services today I *should* be playing some kind of role in the grownup one... I don't even know. I ended up sitting at the back with a nice man I know a little bit, feeling both relieved (to not be sitting all alone) and kind of guilty (because he always sits alone and I was undoubtedly invading his personal space). You do have a family, Susannah, why are you not with them?

Um, yeah, good question, don't have a good answer.

From the walk this afternoon, here's a picture of my friend Mike's church, with his sweet Christmas tree and advent wreath and colorful egg cross. (Is it supposed to be an egg? I don't know. But I love it.)

My Christmas this year: festive, but a bit lonely.