a puzzle

Yesterday morning I was positively giddy with happiness. I'd dropped Caroline off at her class, then walked to the mall, then installed myself at the food court seating area with a coffee to catch up on various texts and then read my theology book. I know...I should have been doing this at some hip and atmospheric coffee shop, but I have a hangup about stepping into restaurants - very much including hip, atmospheric coffee shops - alone. In my defense, the food court was empty and the mall was pretty quiet and my table had lots of natural light and it was a nice place to hang out. In any case, I was happy. Grinning for no reason happy. Over the moon.

As you can imagine, there was nowhere to go from there but down. And sure enough, by yesterday evening - as the handful of you who are actually reading this (thank you!!) probably noticed - I was all tied up in knots again. And THAT feeling continued all the way through today.

The trouble is, I don't really know why. Why I was so happy or why I got so frustrated. Kids? Diet? PMS? Just the normal ups and downs?

There was a weird episode at lunchtime yesterday in which the neighbor kids couldn't find their mom so they came to our house, and I tried to call her, but she didn't answer, and her husband didn't know where she was either, so I fed them lunch, and then she showed up and it turned out that she'd been talking to a teacher at school the whole time, and her kids should have known this but somehow they failed to communicate this to me, or I failed to understand...ugh...it all came out ok I guess but definitely triggered a hefty dump of mom shame, of which I have plenty, and language shame, of which I also have plenty...

There was something about class last night too, even beyond the general stress of trying to keep up with the rapid-fire name dropping...this feeling that in my brain somewhere there's an idea of church/theology that I'm chasing but can't ever grab hold of. The paradox of my life right now is that I do lead a charmed existence, what with the sitting in food courts and getting to pursue my own interests and all, but on the other hand I so long for a companion on this strange journey.

Aaaand it's bedtime again. Here's hoping for calm dreams and a midweek mid-mood!!